Appetizers: Critic raves about Enotria's food while ranting about her spouse

This is the greatest restaurant review ever penned by someone trapped in a boring lesbian relationship. Click here for a look at one critic's take on Enotria while performing a pretty solid takedown of some poor soul named "MK."

Jane Churchon's epic-length review of this stylish fine dining establishment pulls out all the stops. You'll drool. You'll laugh. You'll wince. You may cringe a time or 12.

Forget the lashing Guy Fieri endured for his Times Square monstrosity. MK takes it on the chin, and then some. Yes, this review has it all: discerning thoughts on the incredible food, humor, enmity, awkward references aplenty and more than a few body blows directed at the other half of this very boring relationship. Something tells me it was a little less boring after MK logged on at www.sacpress.com.

To wit: "As I remember it -- and it's entirely possible that MK has a different memory, since differing memories are not unusual regarding arguments -- I asked MK what she wanted to do for the weekend, and she replied that she wanted to do absolutely nothing. I think I was cooking up a scheme of movies and dog walks and even Chinese checkers, and MK's typical Friday-night response--who really wants to do anything over the weekend when the week has just lashed us into submission?--irritated me and I blew up."

MK, you're such a bore. Just ask Jane.

This review includes tips on problem-solving when conflict arises in a relationship:

"Somewhere in that night, I screamed that I was going to cancel the reservation for Enotria for Saturday. "You never want to do anything!" To prove my maturity, I stuck my tongue out at MK."

Spoiler alert: With Jane's help, this boring married couple got their act together and made it to Enotria. But Jane was only getting warmed up. It was pretty awesome to learn this much about MK, the ball-and-chain of Jane's epicurean pursuits:

"Many fine dining establishments force the entire table to choose a tasting menu, which puts us at a disadvantage, since MK is a picky eater. No offal for her, and most vegetables are off limits, because they contain an inherent ability to provide vitamins and minerals, which MK thinks might be part of a right-wing conspiracy. She claims a tenuous allergy to shellfish that may or may not be true and eschews most other fish on the premise that they all live in the same ocean."

All this and they have yet to have the amuse bouche! I'm going to go out on a limb and say MK was not amused. Because she's picky. And boring.

Then things start to spice up a little as the two encounter the cooking of Chef Pajo Bruich, whose food is certainly not boring:

"One of MK's favorite foods is olive, and once I let her have a little tiny taste of that gelee, I practically had to hide my plate in my lap to keep her away from it. Our lesbian make up day was quickly coming to an end as we sparred over my right to eat my own food."

Cute is the new boring.

Blair Anthony Robertson is The Bee's restaurant critic. Follow him on Twitter, @blarob.